your cute when you scream...

01:33 pm - ♥ Pretty little corpse ♥

murderer..  was last night. it was an awsome show! me and brianne went downtown at about 6, then we went to  the buffalo exchange because i needed money to get into the show, which was nine fucking dollars..not even worth it. haha. we had to walk soooo much yesterday, its not even funny..the whole day was basically walking and standing, talk about a work out. While we were downtown, there we these gangsta hobos who smoked us up. it was hiliarious, the speak spanish and they think they are all badass, but its okay, they had alot of fucking drugs, so i wasnt really paying any attention.Yeah...it sucked though. Dont you hate having a friend who is like, 97809834 times hotter then you? yeah..it sucks..the whole time we were downtown, brianne was getting hit on like crazy. and this one guy at mcdonalds..the worker,came up to me while brianne was in the bathroom and gave me a paper and said...::give this to your friend:: of course it was his phone number..talk about a way to make someone feel like shit. it really really sucked. i mean, thats basically, to me, calling me gross and saying HAHA you have a hot friend and your not sucka. I get such low self esteem when i am around that girl..i fucking love her, and she is hot..it just sucks that i never get you know...even look at. i know im ugly, but everyone has there own tast i just want to be one guys taste. There was this one guy at the show..he was fucking gorgous<3 and he talked to me! it was nice, his name is david and im pretty upset because he was gonna ask me for my number, but i didnt have a pen and Darby came up to us and said we had to get going because he had to work in the morning..i was so bummed. im not trying to sound dumb, but he did seem intersted..he kept looking at me at the show and i thought..yeah..no way in hell and then he comes and talks to me...i hope i see him again, he is wonderful :)..but no..i prollly wont.

oh soo.i leanred my friend is a slut and a backstabbing bitch..yeah..that will be another journal..like 9 pages long..no joke..i can go on forever about that one..but im tired.

<3

Current Mood: pissed off

03:40 pm - ♥ forever, your eyes ♥

This weekend..wasnt to bad i supposed. got blown off on friday but oh well, not surprised at all. Yesterday was preety cool i guess. i wanted to get drunk but i only had a couple beers so, yeah. oh well.

i have been thinking alot about someone. and its hurting me. i want to be with him right now. the distance sucks and he means so much to me. i would love just to be with him right now. i dont think i would ever leave and come back. he makes me feel, like noone ever has. He is just amazing. I feel bad because i was having a horrible week and i think it seemed like i didnt want to talk to him , but really, i did, i do. This week i just relize how i really feel about him. at first i was unsure, but now i know. There is not one day when i dont think about him and wonder what he is doing and if he thinks about me. I cant even see him and i dont know what he is doing, but damn, there are sooooo many chances for me to hook up and i dont because, i think of him and all the things he tells me and how he trusts me. everytime there is someone around, i dont even think about them,its just him. im not obesseive or anything, lol but i dont know.i love him. no matter what happens...

as far as devin goes...he has hurt me so god damn bad. im numb from him. A person can only take so much and i have taken all i can and more from him.i dont know how somebody could hurt somebody so god damn bad. haha oh..and now, him and my brother are going to be in a band. goody goody. talk about akward. not only do i have to hear him scream and watch him break me even more BUT he gets to come over all the time and my brother will be with him alot. this is just W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L. and i cant believe my broter would do that after all the shit he has put me through and he knows it. but i dont know, dev was being really nice to him. as long as noone is an asshole to him, i guess i cant complain :). my brother is like my best friend, and if he and dev are friends, all i can do is support and just grow up about it and not let it get to me. after all, i have the most amazing guy waiting for me, i hope. i just hope he doesnt lose interest because there are other girls :/ wait..now that i think about it..since dev and ethan are friends..my brothet can know what he is really thinking and why and then i can try and understand what went wrong. okay..i dont know..i dont care..im gonna go back to sleeping off this hangover.

<3

Current Mood: confused

04:26 pm - ♥ baby, you just died ♥

hahaha..i went to german class completley drunk. i dont think it was noticable..even though Korey asked if i was high..uhhh...no. lol.during 5/6 jeph came to get me and yeah, went to his house for like 2 seconds because he lives in denver.lol. i mean, i wasnt like, real drunk, just like 5 shots down of straight vodka..mmm..doesnt that make you thirsty :)

so,tonight there is a party and so help me god if lindsay blows me off, thats it, because im tired of not doing shit because she says that there will be so i blow everything else off waiting. it is really irritating i must say. i dont know.

wow..its so nice outside. jeesh.haha. i love it. even though it rained a little while ago, and i liked that better but its not to hot, and not to cold.best weather.haha.

well. i think im done, i just started this to piss off some stupid cunt ass bitch waiting for a computer.jahaha..i love being me sometimes, when im a bitch <3

Current Mood: ditzy

11:45 am - ♥ Alove for enemies ♥

hmmmmpp.

why am i waiting? im patetic. so mr. devin..sent me, again another message. aaaaghghghhaahgh...im so confused! jeez..like he says he wants to hang out just one more time but in all the messages he sends me, it seems like we can hoefully go back to old times and not just be one more time. because in all honesty, i do miss hanging out with him and just making out and not caring about anything. and that we do like each other, but it was just fun to kiss and mess around. for awhile i didnt want that, but now im thinking, hey, i get treated like shit anyway, noones gonna want me as a girlfriend, so why not? its fun while its there and while its happening so why should i complain? i shouldnt. i mean, it feels like he is just using me, but he wouldnt drive out of his way to use me...or would he?but i dont know.this past month i have been getting second thoughts and all my feelings are starting to change about this. its like i am controdicting myself, because i kinda am. i dont know. im just....bllllaaaaaaahh. and so drained out anymore. only one more full month of school...

im not a school again, speaking of that. i have been missing sooo much school..its not even funny. and it sucks because i know i am going to fail this year and im not gonna graduate on time. oh well i guess. i mean, i will eventually get a job after this summer.and then find somewhere to live. i wanted to go to college..but that is not happening.no way. even if i did start going to school. aaagg..im breaking out..i hate when i do that..its annoying.

im so bored..and im still wainting for him to message back, and its sad..i wont leave until he does..oh this was the last thing he sent to me, which was at like 2 in the morning....

I want to kiss you.
and, your boobs.
and I want you to wear a skirt
and a sexy bra ans shirt.
I want you to pull out my penis when ever you feel the desire.
soon?

hes so cute....:/

haha and i have no idea what my mood means.

Current Mood: quixotic

02:53 pm - ♥ im outside of your window ♥

so......im sick of fucking everything...devin wants to hang out ONE MORE TIME so we can just moved on..as he stated it, excatly.  i havent talked to lindsay in well over a week because she likes to ditch me all the time..yeah, best friend..right? and some guy in california thinks we are together and is very possesive and scaring off all the people in colorado. he tells me he is in love with me..every day. i cant find a job because im leaving to CA soon..which maybe i dont want to. my hands are freesing. i need to get laid.my brother and his girlfriend broke up and i feel horrible. i dont care, i fucking miss devin and it hurts. im hungover.im losing friends at school. my dad never takes me anywhere and took my "car" away and expects me to walk everywhere. im poor. im breaking out because of so much stress. i  know i failed this year.aggghh..and this guy that i like ALOT even though he lives kinda far..umm always complains hes single and i talk to him about it, now he has a girlfriend. im sick. alcohol is my new best friend..along with cocaine.i have been lonley far to long and its getting the best of me. its friday, and im writing a live journal.i just want to fucking kiss someone..god.

i think im hanging out with Zack tonight..i hope so, hes hot.i like being around hot guys.that was really random. im a slut now so maybe ill have sex with him...i hate people.

osdjfzkdjf'spdjf';zsdkjflskfgj'lxfkjg'sgjk'skgj'apeorkpsoejtksgn;dsrijgpsrogpsrgk[spfks[aek.....fucking christ

</3

Current Mood: aggravated

04:06 pm - ♥ prom song ♥

yep.so tonight is prom. i told my mom and she was like, well if you would have told me, i would have gave you the money. im kinda bummed but its okay, i am having my own prom night. hehe. jeph is coming to get me after work and we are gonna get ALL dresssed up and look all pretty and we are just going to drive forever! and then most likely go to ihop. duh. hehe. so it should be fun. i should start getting ready here soon even though he wont be here til like 10:00. but i think we are going over to his house. and some of his friends dont have prom so i think we might hang out with them to. im getting excited. i get more excited when i dont know where the night will go. it is better that way.....hah..there i just left a bullitin to see if any one would like to join. haha. im such a loser. hahah oh well.

hmmm....so.i had to wash my moms truck today which actually wasnt to bad. and i think for summer i might go to flordia to, how fucking rad would that be. flordia for like a week and then cali. i would be a black woman! yes i would. haha. i dont think that is going to happen though, but i know for sure i am going to cali. yep. i cant wait. im real excited...but the way back, i have to take an airplane....i dont like airplanes..they are scary...meh oh well.

im kinda in a wierd mood. like im stressed and upset buit also kinda happy. but in the same sense, im angrey. i dont know. i am a mixture of all emotions and its wierd. hmm.there is so much on my mind at the same time. its all confusing, like usual. jsdfieikdkajiuepsa;. i think that sums up everything. haha.

soooo...this 31 year old dude hit on me downtown the other night, even though i was with chris and nick. it was gross. i felt disgusting. he came up to me and he was like..looking good. i said thanks because i am nice of course. and then he was like, you should come by my place,i have a couple drinks and we can get to know each other. i laughed my ass off. then chris told him i was a lesbian. he got the look in his eye. sick. i wanted to cry. i technically was because i was laughing so hard. my mom is that old! god, people have some nerve now a days. its scary.

haha..i am the biggest dork in the world. i was walking down my stairs with some long john lizards grape grog and i went to take a drink of it and i ate shit. hard. i think i broke my ankle. hahahahaha..it happen so fast to and i just laughed my ass off..even though i was by my self. it was funny..i guess i just missed a stair and bam, there i was on the stairs. needless to say, i dont have my cool grape "grog" anymore. that was quite upsetting.

so, update on devin. he said he didnt have sex with haley and that they never even met in real life. yeah whatever. and he told me that we should be friends, that talk. i swear, i have a feeling he is going to keep me around until all the girls dont like him like that and when he is all alone. and ill be there, he thinks..im sick of this, i really cant take much more. i hope he relizes what he lost. im not full of myself at all...but damn i am so fucking nice and i always try my hardest..its kinda pathetic, but i do, every day.....im gonna go buy some more long john lizards grape grog.

Current Mood: bouncy

11:55 am - ♥ Heads will roll ♥

this is fucking killing me..more and more each day. i dont think he relizes how many people i actually know..just because they live in different cities doenst mean shit. i found out yestreday...that...some girl snuck out so they can see each other..and not only that..they had sex. and he only talked to her like..3 times and they only hung out that one time. she is falling in love with him. so know, i finally come to a conclusion that he feeds the same sweet nothings to every girl that he meets..every girl..he did it to me, to sara, to brianne, to jen, and now to Haley. i know thats only 4 but then how else does he get all these girls to say that they love him. he calls every girl absolutly beautiful..plays stupid games to make you kiss him..and then he acts all shy when asking for a favor. and he tells me that he doesnt want my heart to hurt anymore and that he is saying goodbye. how can that not hurt me? he ruined everything..all my trust for anyone..made me lose any hope that i had for anything. no one understands..sure you can relate whatever. but i dont know anymore. i cant even feel. i need a drink...lots of it..even though it still comes back to me. but still.no matter how many times i fuck up..i still find myself going and looking back at his profile..just to see...what? i dont even know...no one should ever go though heart ache.like this. i mean im not feeling sorry for myself.haha..but this is horrible..i dont even know what to think what to say..the worst part is i cant control it. All of my favorite memories come from him. and how could he do that? he is the nicest person ever...but when it comes to this..its a different story..i just dont understand. i just dont see how someone can know how bad they hurt someone and just act like nothing happen. and just coninue on and just say goodbye. he tells me he doesnt want to hurt my heart? every damn day he does. fucking liar. i could go on about this for hours and hours. i just need someone. i have been alone way to long. and if not alone, hurt way to much. i try everything so i dont fucking understand why it isnt good enough. i know the most shallow people in the world who are still, in love, or what the fuck ever. maybe i should be like that. im just to nice and i let everyone walk over me like its nothing. and im stupid about it. god damnit. this is so fucking stupid.there goes my nights. my days are already a waste. and i thought for once that an apology meant something. because it did seem sincere and heartfull..thats not even a word i think but fuck. so many things right now and im basically being a little pussy about it...but there is only so much someone can take.

i think im done..im just gonna sit in my room, cry my stupid eyes out and never come out..i didnt even go to school today because of this. thats gay. i know.it has an effect.

</3 heartless bastard...litearally </3

Current Mood: rejected

03:54 pm - ♥ what the fuck do you think love is♥

yeah..im definitly going to hell..haha...we went to jesus pizza, which is this one dollar pizza thing at a church on wednesday. and i didnt have a dollar but mike and all them did.. so they were giving me allll change and i find that quite annoying. while they were piling it onto my hand, alot of the dimes fell out..so i screamed..no fucking screamed....YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG JESUS...and i got THE worst looks in the entire world and i was paying for my pizza, i got the, get the hell out of here look. it was hilirious. and all the little goody goody god kids were like, oh my god, she just cussed, she is the devil. god. being me sometimes....is an adventure. you can never tell with me..hehe. but with that whole going to hell shit, i already know i am haha.that just added it on anymore. i dont believe in god. and if you dont like me for it. fuck you. i dont care.there is no proof to me. and if there was...i hate him. and he can go die.yeah.shut up with your stupid preaching. im gonna die.lol

ahipsjg;zsdfkj[p'sejior...is the only way i can put it..its already 4:00..i wanna do somehting today..reallt bad for some reason. no school friday.yay! better be getting drunk..er...something...like out of my house. hah.wow...today was...blllahhh..i failed my math test again....for the..what 1000 time this year. i dont care. mmmba. im hungrey.

I dont know where I'm going and I know not where I've been
But my best friend is a bottle, A bottles my best friend
It may take most of my money, It may disapear
But I'll always have a few bucks for a 6 pack of cold beer

And Some Cheap Wine and Cigarettes
Helps Me To Forget The Way We Went Apart
And My Broken Heart
Cheap Wine and Cigarettes
Helps Me To Forget The Way We Went Apart
And My Broken Heart

I remember one fall night, Make that summer time
he held me oh so close, he'd never let me go
But I went and screwed up, I couldnt take his love
Instead of having fun, Now I'm the lonely one

I Need Some Cheap Wine and Cigarettes
Helps Me To Forget The Way We Went Apart
And My Broken Heart
Cheap Wine and Cigarettes
Helps Me To Forget The Way We Went Apart
And My Broken Heart

I Need Some Cheap Wine and Cigarettes
I Want Some Cheap Wine and Cigarettes

Current Mood: cold

04:44 pm - ♥ i lied ♥

i do care...i lied. and i feel horrible which i know i shouldnt.
damn it..im such a fuck up.

03:57 pm - ♥ I hope you choke ♥

so..i guess we can consider me and lindsay's friendship over..you know what? i actually dont care..at all. She braught this on to herself and that just shows what kind of friend she was. you know, its not even the fact if i did tell my brother. he ALREADY knew..and who wouldnt, it was clear. She has NOONE to blame, but her god damn self. i hope she knows this. and then she had the decintsy to tell me not to like someone because she does? are you fucking seriouis? who does that? seriously that is so pathetic. i love her to pieces but if its over because of this..then whatever.
and on top of that, i am getting bitched at by devin. he is telling me to stop telling everyone we had sex..which in the first place i havent been saying anything..at all..i stopped talking about him ever since that one night when we stopped talking. this is getting out of control and this is really breaking my heart. not that it was fine to begin with. ahhhhhhhh..damnit..this is hurting..i just need to get away..and all my second thoughts of going to Cali just went away..i am going..maybe i will stay there forever..maybe i will. i actually have people who want me back there and care for me and wont fuck me up like they have here..i dont know though. but i cant wait until i go. and Jeph is most likley going with me since my aunt is driving here..and my brother doesnt wanna go so that makes room. im happy that i met jeph, he is my best friend and he wont treat me like other people do.hes not that shallow.i love him. and im glad he is going with me...then i will be around ALL the people who care about me.<3
this is getting insane.

but i guess if something ends so fast, it wasnt that great to begin with.

in american studies today, we are doing this HUGE project on philosophy and we have to pick a philosopher..its worth 40 percent of our grade and it bascally the biggest grade we will ever recive..and the funny thing is, is that my teacher doesnt want to tell us the length because he think it will scare us..fuck..that means its gonna be like 10 pages...ohh boy. i just want school to be done with...you know whats cool...i was just talking to my dad and he doesnt give to shits about me. he said he wanted me to move out to california for good. gee, thanks. but thats just good support i say because that is what i wanna do anyway.

i just wish things wouldnt get so blown up out of proportion..i just wish i could handle it at least. i dont know. Mike gave me a ride home today. i love that kid.he is so hilirious..when we hang out, he makes me laugh and then i dont think about all the bullshit that has been going on. fuck..he still has my shirt god damn it..we were suppose to trade back. oh well. my brother told me he was going to live with us for the summer..that would be..intersting haha..ahh..Fear is on friday with hopesfall..i really kinda wanna go. Dannys going so its not like i will be alone. yeah..jeph bought tix today..i think i should do that to.i wanna go to switzerlland...random. i know..i think i am going to write a song er..something.

i dont know anymore..

<3

Current Mood: thoughtful

01:29 pm - ♥ Kiss me, Diss me ♥

So it's safe to say that we've been here before;
Heart torn out, down for the count and still come back for more.
This lesson is learned too well.
Though, only unlearned by the time your wounds have healed.
Have you had enough?
I guess not because your lips are stuck to his.
It's Time to say enough is enough, you would be so better off.
You love him but tough because it's not coming back from him.
You can't win.
Stop expecting change, he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.
It only hurts at first.
But then you will find someone to give you everything you want.
Try not to go running back to him.
So it goes unsaid that we've been here before.
Lonely nights and endless fights and sleeping on the floor.
And he's sorry, so the story goes.
It's read and replayed and ends the same way
Stop expecting change, he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.
Stop expecting change, he's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around, you could have anyone.
So leave undeserving him.

this explains everything. and im not even kidding. as stupid as it sounds..its my fucking life song.

:/

Current Mood: confused

12:52 pm - ♥ lets set our hearts on self destruct♥

end of csap...thank fucking god.

okay, this is the wierdest fucking thing....

 this is jeph!!!!!

my jeph!! so...i went to coffe with the boys and we were talking about myspace. and then we were talking about how all the pictures look like they were professionally done. and then jeph decides to tell us all that he models bands shirts and gets money for it. so none of us believed him and we just laughed..so he went to his car and pulled out his negitives..we were all shocked..nick, his best friend didnt even know!! it was insane..still we just thought, well there are ALOT of people who look like him..and then he gave us a website to go to and what do you know. its fucking jeph. JEPHx core.haha. thats insane..gosh, i am best friends with a famous modle..haha jk. but its so wierd..and not that it isnt obvious..he looks like every one else.haha but its ok!! i love him!! hehe. i dont know..thats insane. he deleted his myspace yesterday because he looks like everyone else..as he says.haha thats so fucking wierd.

anyway...today wasnt to bad i guess, and i am going to go try and tan and then bryce is having a party tonight that i want to go to..but i have no idea whats going on tonight...that or i think me,jeph,nick,and steve might go to the movies, with linds of course..but im not sure.

god..this week has been sooo stressfull..its not even funny..im just glad i dont have class the rest of the week.i think i am going to take a nap now..

Current Mood: weird

12:24 pm - ♥ Live.Love.Burn.Die♥

yeah..okay..i didnt go to school again today.  i guess, even tough my mom hasnt talked to me..she knows that i am sick and she told my dad that it would be best if i stayed home. im not complaining i guess..i mean even though it is the new quarter..which means that grades were do..and i failed everything.i need to start making a change here soon because this is fucking gay.i feel horrible about failing..its not like im all just whatever..it really sucks. i dont know..at least i go to school.well, most the time anyway.

wow...yestreday was so fucking akward..wow..so the first guy i EVER had sex with..which was a long ass time ago came up to me and apologized for what he did to me. it was so random. see..he was my first a long while ago and after  i had sex with him, he completly stopped callling and ignored me everytime i would try and get a hold of him. he acted like i didnt exsist and just went on with his life acting as if i wasnt alive. he didnt care.he didnt think i had feelings. and on top of that he told all his roomates i was a slut and that i was only good for a lay for any guy and he got lucky. there is more to the story..,but anyway..yeah 6 god damn months later,.im sitting down here and he was like...trinity? and all i can think was FUCK this is wierd. he just apologized and told me he just freaked out because im so beautiful he didnt know how to handle it..uh huh..right. so he just apologized and stuff. then lindsay came over and we were talking about fucked up situations and then he came to the hit tub..it was wierd. and i think its funny because devin is apologizing to. why are all the people that have fucked me over think that if they just apologize its okay? well i guess because its me..i mean, all i say is...its happens. wow...that tells alot.i dont know what i am going to do anymore..we'll see what happens. I had so much feelings for him, but all those got lost and will never come back, thats what happens when you fuck up real bad. and thanks to those fucks who did that to me..i only go for once chance,which isnt fair..but i dont want to be hurt like that ever again. im just babbling.im hungrey im sitting here waiting for devin to respond back..im such a loser.oh well....god.i wouldnt have to be like this if i wasnt so alone and hurt. oh well..who cares i guess.haha..my bro and mike came to visit me at lunch and then my nickypoo!! lol..those kids are so sweet..when i am sick they come and take me out for coffe and keep me company because god knows i dont have much of that.

im done for now...</3

Current Mood: determined

01:34 pm - ♥ follow me ♥

ouch.ouch.ouch.ouch.OUCH. this is tearing me apart.yes, i am writing again. So, he wrote a blog about this girl that he is absolutly in love with and he wants to be with her.this is hurting me. he just wrote this yestreday. i cant believe this.he is out there in love with some amazing girl and just leaves me on the side. this really really hurts. i knew i should have never even talked to him again. i already knew once i did this would happen. this has to be a dream.im so hurt. i havent stopped crying since i read it. no one knows how this feels. sure there are people who expirence this, but i take this with so much emotion. i cant help the way he feels and the best thing i can do is TRY and make him think about me. but,no. now i know what he is really thinkiing about.so, now i know, when i kiss him, he is thinking about some other stupid whore. thats all i am.i am a stupid fucking whore.this is killing me. He always has kind words to say to me to try and make up for the hurt, and no matter how many times i tell myself that i will never forgive what he has done to me..i fuck up again and give him the title to talk to me. i should have just erased the message he sent me. i should have told him excatly what he did to me and how everynight, i freaking cry mu little eyes out. i tryed getting over him and i thought i was when he hurt me..but then a month later i recieve a message..i dont know what he is doing to me. why is he doing this?what does he really want from me and why did he some back?..i just need someone who wont do this to me..he wont break my heart and then throw it back in my face.i just cant believe after i told him and told him that this would be hard for me to do..and then he is in love with someone who i god damn know will love him back, because he is just spectacular. he is charming and he knows it. He uses it to his advantage and makes me feel like shit in the process. after i read that..and after last night..we wont be hanging out again, we wont be talking. like before, but this time, he wont come back, he has some girl, and that time, i wont fall for it again.i did what, like 5 times already. and i did it again. so i say this..but then i see his face and i relize how lonley i am and that i just want someone to hold me...even if it is someone who doesnt give a fuck about me.That way, i feel content. like i did last night..i knew it was to good to be true.there is no way possible he wants anything more with me. Im just some lame excuse for him.Maybe, he has a little feeling for me..i mean, he did write me out of the blue,wait no..he did this last time..he messaged me saying lets have sex.we didnt, but i still hung out with him and i guess i failed the test and he had the nerve to call me a slut and that i would just do anyone who said that to me and that i failed the test and people were right about me. the only thing that i can accept him for is the fact that he did know that he hurt me. he admitted it. he said he didnt mean to, but i doubt it now.this is really shitty. eveything that could go wrong has.im so lost....great...he just sent me a message....i am so confused...i just felt my heart drop..im crying.damnit.why do i have to be such a pussy. at least this time he is talking to me.no..no..no NO what the hell am i doing.i dont need this. i probabley deserve it, but i dont need it. i just need someone who wont do this to me, but i am shit out of luck for that. everyone is the same. they all have the attendancy to do the same thing over and over again. im a fucking garbage disspossal..i swear. okay, i cant spell. i dont care...yeah.he just told me he was horney.ok. now i know he just wants sex.no.fuck that. i am done with that. that just ruined any chance of me even forgiving him. im done with this. if he is soo lonley and horney or whatever the fuck..he can just go to the love of his life, the girl that he cant get out of his head.what a dick.i dont even want to be around any one anymore.after this..i have come to a conclusion that all guys are the same.after this new year.and last year. i cant just find one that is different. that wont just use me and expect me to be there waiting just because i like them.great..now he is telling me we can "help"each other.seriosly.what the fuck am i? everytime i see his face..its like a bullet to my lifeless heart.its numb but at the same time,i can feel it.i find myself always settling for less..and dealing with it. its just because i am to nice and i dont know how to make things better.i just wish that one guy that i miss would come back to me and protect me.but i know if he knew that i was talking about him, he would flip out and think i am a wierdo because we havent hung out much, but he is a sweetheart, and i know when he hurt me, it wasnt because he wanted to. he is so sincere.or so i think.

well..i think i am done.im just hurting myself, so i guess i deserve this...i just god.want to find that one i can trust. i dont know..im being emo today.

yeah..so i remeber writing this along time ago.i dont know.i felt like putting it back on here again because i just wanted to see just how stupid i was about the whole situation. i just keep reliving it over and over even though everything was so long ago. i cant get over it. he has no idea how much of an impact he has on me. and it is really pathetic because he could care less about me. as long as it "benefits" him. i dont know anymore. i think he called on thursday, but i wasnt home so i dont know. i don really care. he knows that if he ever wanted anything to do with me, he could easliy have it, so thats what shows me that he doesnt.whatever i guess.

man...ear infections suck and now my ear is itching, that is no fun at all. it hurts even why i try and itch it.lol. the broncitus is almost fine with me..its the damn ear infection that i seriously cant handle!! damn.

ohh..lindsay blew me off last night, again, for the second weekend.but whatever i guess. even though that is fucking bullshit. so much for "dont worry, you will be doing something tonight" yeah..like fucking sniffing coke and overdosing on codiene because of you...damn..im so retarded.

hahahaha...im such a fag..i printed the convo..i think ill write it down.yep.here it goes.okay..not the whole thing, just some of the things that i thought was..i dont know.

     him: things wont be wierd. i promise, we just need to hug each other...

him: I trust you to..Trinity, i wont ever hurt you again,ever...things just came around very randomly and wierd.

he sound soooo sincere..i miss him.:/ damn it..i love when he is like that..i dont know anymore.

Current Mood: lonely

02:24 pm - ♥ your beautiful with trigger pulled♥

hmmm.i overdosed on codiene today and i just woke uo from the dizziness it caused. it wasnt very fun. it was scary, but thats what i get for doing that to myself i guess. it even sounds like something you should be careful with. CLearly, i dont care. oh well. it another alternative then coke i suppose..which that isnt going to well either. I feel like its my only escape because i relized that alcohol is just fun and im not doing it to "forget" everything, but because i enjoy it, so i feel like i need something more.something else that isnt fun, but harmful. i dont know what im talking about. i didnt go to school today, i didnt feel i had the energy to go.Plus i have this horrible cough and it is so god damn annoying. and i also have an ear infection. those are the worst things in the world. no joke.it hurts to yawn even. i can barley breathe.uggggggg..im all stuffy :/ awww..i want someone to come make me soup and lay by me while i sleep with my stuffy nose.teehee.i think i watch to much movies..i dont even think that really happens haha.no, it does, just not for me. i rarley get sick, but man, when i do..first it has to last for weeks at a time, im not ,kidding, and it has to be majorly sick, not just a cold. i have bronchitis and i was in the hospital on tuesday because i couldnt breathe and it felt like there was a huge rock right in the middle of my chest. and now i have an ear infection. and this has been going on for like a week.ahhhhhhhjishfdlkjg. yeah, that explains it.. wow..its already april, its getting closer and closer to summer and that means cali. since my brother doesnt want to go, my friend does, but i doubt she will..i want someone to go with me.btu oh well. i cant wait either way. i love cali. its so perfect and it really is like what you see on t.v. but i am hving sme second thoughts on going out there. i mean i am leaving for 3 months, i dont know if i can do that. and if some people will still be the same or what. im afraid of losing people just because i havent talked to them in awhile..i dont know.im sure im going for sure. i mean i have people out there to, who want me more anyway. i cant wait till i turn 18. I am moving out there for sure. That or russia, but i doubt ill be able to get out there. or maybe ill stay here and find some roomates. that would be fun. who knows, that is awhile away yet. but, it will come eventually. mmmeeehhh.. im so out of it. tonight is lenore and texas is on fire. i want to go..but my dad gave my brother money instead of me which is complete bullshit because my brother doesnt even like them he is a fucking poser and its pissing me off. so i asked my dad fo money and hes like, i dont have anymore. he is such a cockhead when it comes to me. i dont know why. he has always been like this though. kinda better because of all the fucking drugs that he is on. With out those..things would be..like 2 years ago..i hate the past and i refuse to try and bring it up again. im so disgusting. no, he is disgusting. i hate him.most people would say hey at least you have a dad..no, its not like that. no one understands..the ONLY person that knows what it was like is Lindsay, but not by choice, she was there to protect me, which failed. but everytime shit went down, she was there to see.so i couldnt hide it from her. I cant trust anyone else. they all would judge me and think i wanted attention. im not like that at all. okay, i think i am done because im starting to cry now and i dont like when my eyes are all watery and my eyeliner smears. its not pretty. </3

Current Mood: stressed

02:30 pm - ♥ i want to watch you bleed.♥

baaaahhhhhhh...im sooo bored..jeeez. oh well i guess.it feels like a sunday..but sadly..its a freakin' saturday..i have nothing to do at the moment. and i dont think i am doing anything tonight. well, i dont know what is going on..i want to do something..but i just dont know what. ahhh im so lost...bleeehhhh....hehe.

so...he didnt even respond back to me..what the fuck ever..i shouldnt have even started talking to him again..he is just a waste of good air..thats all i got to say. whatever,its okay..because i am sure a good one is out there.well..maybe..they just need to find me.

last night was pretty sweet.enough said.even though..i am being dumb and going back to the old "things' i use to do..not just drinking..and not pot...im killing myself slowley..just say that. oh well..like i have anything to look forward to in the days.yepp...

i think ill wite more later..

<3

Current Mood: annoyed

12:48 pm - ♥ sing like you think no ones listening..♥

i made a quiz..
so if there is anyone who actually reads this...please go take it..i would love it.
<333333333333333333333333333333
go!-----> http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050326144601-641963


copy and paste<3

Current Mood: aggravated

03:35 pm - ♥ i'll rip my heart out ♥

so..here i sit.again. Last night was pretty cool.its what i needed to forget about things. Hung out with the usual.lol, and went driving around forever with t.r.attempted to visit colton, and trent. and then attempted to get some pot.nothing worked, but it was still cool. it was raining to, and we all know how much i love the rain.But anyway.its really gloomy outside, but i love it. I keep thinkning today is friday. but its not. Technically, i hung out with...him...yestreday, because i was out until 5 am. i dont know.i dont even know why i care.well i dont. and i think i have a feeling i  know who he was writing about. i think its sara. i could be wrong, but i dont know. it just kinda seems like it.i dont know.

its snowing out.

im not sure what i should write about..im kind of blank at the moment. all i can think of is the hurt. but like i said, i shouldnt complain, i am just bringing this on to myself. its what i deserve i guess.....well, i am going to go write some lyrics er..something. i dont know..

...and all i asked was love me.....

Current Mood: okay

02:16 pm - ♥ till suffocation claims my lungs♥

ouch.ouch.ouch.ouch.OUCH. this is tearing me apart.yes, i am writing again. So, he wrote a blog about this girl that he is absolutly in love with and he wants to be with her.this is hurting me. he just wrote this yestreday. i cant believe this.he is out there in love with some amazing girl and just leaves me on the side. this really really hurts. i knew i should have never even talked to him again. i already knew once i did this would happen. this has to be a dream.im so hurt. i havent stopped crying since i read it. no one knows how this feels. sure there are people who expirence this, but i take this with so much emotion. i cant help the way he feels and the best thing i can do is TRY and make him think about me. but,no. now i know what he is really thinkiing about.so, now i know, when i kiss him, he is thinking about some other stupid whore. thats all i am.i am a stupid fucking whore.this is killing me. He always has kind words to say to me to try and make up for the hurt, and no matter how many times i tell myself that i will never forgive what he has done to me..i fuck up again and give him the title to talk to me. i should have just erased the message he sent me. i should have told him excatly what he did to me and how everynight, i freaking cry mu little eyes out. i tryed getting over him and i thought i was when he hurt me..but then a month later i recieve a message..i dont know what he is doing to me. why is he doing this?what does he really want from me and why did he some back?..i just need someone who wont do this to me..he wont break my heart and then throw it back in my face.i just cant believe after i told him and told him that this would be hard for me to do..and then he is in love with someone who i god damn know will love him back, because he is just spectacular. he is charming and he knows it. He uses it to his advantage and makes me feel like shit in the process. after i read that..and after last night..we wont be hanging out again, we wont be talking. like before, but this time, he wont come back, he has some girl, and that time, i wont fall for it again.i did what, like 5 times already. and i did it again. so i say this..but then i see his face and i relize how lonley i am and that i just want someone to hold me...even if it is someone who doesnt give a fuck about me.That way, i feel content. like i did last night..i knew it was to good to be true.there is no way possible he wants anything more with me. Im just some lame excuse for him.Maybe, he has a little feeling for me..i mean, he did write me out of the blue,wait no..he did this last time..he messaged me saying lets have sex.we didnt, but i still hung out with him and i guess i failed the test and he had the nerve to call me a slut and that i would just do anyone who said that to me and that i failed the test and people were right about me. the only thing that i can accept him for is the fact that he did know that he hurt me. he admitted it. he said he didnt mean to, but i doubt it now.this is really shitty. eveything that could go wrong has.im so lost....great...he just sent me a message....i am so confused...i just felt my heart drop..im crying.damnit.why do i have to be such a pussy. at least this time he is talking to me.no..no..no NO what the hell am i doing.i dont need this. i probabley deserve it, but i dont need it. i just need someone who wont do this to me, but i am shit out of luck for that. everyone is the same. they all have the attendancy to do the same thing over and over again. im a fucking garbage disspossal..i swear. okay, i cant spell. i dont care...yeah.he just told me he was horney.ok. now i know he just wants sex.no.fuck that. i am done with that. that just ruined any chance of me even forgiving him. im done with this. if he is soo lonley and horney or whatever the fuck..he can just go to the love of his life, the girl that he cant get out of his head.what a dick.i dont even want to be around any one anymore.after this..i have come to a conclusion that all guys are the same.after this new year.and last year. i cant just find one that is different. that wont just use me and expect me to be there waiting just because i like them.great..now he is telling me we can "help"each other.seriosly.what the fuck am i? everytime i see his face..its like a bullet to my lifeless heart.its numb but at the same time,i can feel it.i find myself always settling for less..and dealing with it. its just because i am to nice and i dont know how to make things better.i just wish that one guy that i miss would come back to me and protect me.but i know if he knew that i was talking about him, he would flip out and think i am a wierdo because we havent hung out much, but he is a sweetheart, and i know when he hurt me, it wasnt because he wanted to. he is so sincere.or so i think.

well..i think i am done.im just hurting myself, so i guess i deserve this...i just god.want to find that one i can trust. i dont know..im being emo today.

Current Mood: crushed

01:15 pm - ♥ the memories from a broken heart♥

what the fuck am i doing? i am such an idiot. why am i doing this? what if this is some kind of "test"..again..and i just dont know.god damnit. i didnt come home until 5 this morning..we were only suppose to hang out for a half an hour.haa yeah..right. i really miss him..and i dont know anymore. the one thing i am pretty sure is that he doesnt want a "relationship" with anyone because he just doesnt know..this is a mess.i am a mess.he is ruining me slowley..but you know what..i am letting it..therefore..it is my fault because i am letting myself go through this. i dont know.he fucked me over so bad, no words could even describe the pain i felt through my heart.it like stabbed me a million times and then some. thats just the mist of it. he hurt the worst out of anybody in this world.even worse then my dad..and my dad is real fucked up.i could go on about this, but i dont think i am ready for people to know,because i am sure, i wouold be looked down at as if it is my fault.things have there funny way of working out like that.

so..last night before that i got shitfaced..i drank more then half a bottle by myself..again..and you know..i reallly didnt want to, but i am under so much god damn stress, thats the only thing i have to turn to anymore.seriously..since the friends i have are shitty..my new best friend is alcohol.oh well. it has been for awhile.and with that.i have been doing some other things that i regret.but i cant help it. im starting to sniff up again..but this time, i think it is getting worse. i mean...last year was a big reality check for me. but i guess that wasnt enough..this year has just been so fucked up.im doing it again.i wish i didnt start but now i kinda cant stop. i cant go a day at school without is..i do it at school. i should just turn myself in.im such a fucking idiot.god.and i know that i am going to be looked down upon, but fuck it, i dont care anymore.You know, when i use to care, it braught me down and i just wanted to die because i cared so much about how i was being treated and how i was so alone.whatever now. i dont care.To each their own, i guess.

im just so frustrated for some reason. maybe im just tired, no its not that.because if that was it i wouldnt be writing for this long..god.oo and on top of that i went for my job interview at Village Inn..ha, i didnt get the job..fucking whatever.i look like a bitch, thats probabley why.lol. so so much for that.ill try and aply somewhere else.

i think i am done for now..im out of words...

Current Mood: drunk